Not Again - Part 3

If you are joining me for the first time, please take a minute to read my archived blog posts which can be found
by choosing an entry in the archived items at the right of this post. Thank you for visiting!

Thanks for coming back. I realize I got a tad bit in-depth last week and I pray it wasn’t too much information. I’m in this first and foremost to spread awareness and I honestly feel that people will listen more and will share our stories more if we are open and totally forthcoming about our individual battles and how we dealt with the battle(s) inside us. So again, thank you for taking this trip with me – you are all so very important to this cause – and to me of course!

Hopefully we are getting close to the conclusion of “Not Again” but I won’t cut short what wants to come out so no promises! ;0)

So once the decision was made as to what treatment plan we’d follow, everything moved forward at warp speed. It seemed like overnight our lives went from blissful to chaotic. The support system we valued so very much during my first cancer fight was no longer at arm’s length. You see, in August 2007 Darin was called by a manufacturing company in Cambridge, Minnesota. They were interested in visiting with him about an inside sales position. During a trip to Cambridge for Darin to meet with the owners of the company, I took the opportunity to visit the schools, the chamber office and toured the town. The more we learned about the area and the company, the more evident it was that a move from Nebraska to Minnesota would be beneficial in more ways than one. So in October, Darin started his new job at Schlagel, Inc. The kids and I followed in November after our house in Norfolk sold. We were prepared for a life away from family and friends, confident that we’d form new relationships in our new town quickly. We were excited to be building a new home in a beautiful subdivision with a lake and a park. Dawson settled into his new school mid-year and immediately made friends. I was pre-schooling Emi at home, enjoying my new role as a homemaker so very much. Everything seemed to just fall into place so perfectly and it just kept getting better over the next two years. We were floating!

This brings us to early 2010 when everything “perfect” came to a halt. The cancer was back and we had a HUGE decision to make. Do we proceed with invasive chemo in hopes of keeping my breasts or do we remove them and still have chemo, just a less intense form? There were advantages and disadvantages to both and neither one was less scary than the other.

And so on April 6, 2010 I started the aggressive chemo cocktail, the treatment plan that I told you about in my last blog. The cocktail itself wasn’t experimental; however the plan itself was very unconventional. No surgery, four months of chemo, re-evaluation, and additional rounds as needed. And with all hope there would be clear scans in the end which would then be followed by five weeks of radiation daily, Monday through Friday. We dug in and began truly taking our lives one day at a time.

To this day I can close my eyes and it’s as if I am floating above the IV lab, watching myself – seeing other men and women hooked up to IV pumps – nurses milling around – docs in and out. The side effects started almost immediately, very unlike my first experience with chemo. My oncologist warned me it was going to be far more intense than the first time but I do believe I had a super woman complex going into it. Let’s just say my pretty red cape came slamming to the ground within 72 hours after receiving my first chemo round. I lost 11 pounds in my first five days because I couldn’t keep even water down. I was pumped full of anti-nausea meds only to find that I was even sicker than without them. On day eight, my oncologist told me I was clearly allergic to the anti-nausea meds so we’d have to try and beat the vomiting and heaving in another way. This was accomplished by receiving IV fluids, steroids and anti-anxiety meds on day 9 and every time thereafter before the cocktail. By day 10 the effects of the steroids started kicking my butt, both mentally and physically. I was swelling all over my body; my appetite was so out of whack. The 11 pounds I had lost was replaced by 13 pounds gained during week two. And the yo-yo of a cancer patients diet began and loomed for the next seven months. I’d lose 10 pounds, gain 12, lose 5, gain 10.

On day 11 post first chemo, my scalp began to itch. So I did what you normally do with an itch, I scratched it. And when I pulled my hand away from my head there were several strands of hair hanging from my fingers. Darin was sitting at the breakfast bar and could see the hair in my hand. He was up and around the bar faster than I could process what had just happened. He just stood beside me, waiting for my reaction. With tears welling up I walked over and threw the hair in the trash, turned to him and said – get the clippers. There was no way I could repeat the slow loss of the first time around. I wanted it off and I wanted it off immediately. And this time, I wanted to do it myself. So a few days later, after taking a step back to really think things through, I leaned over my bathroom sink and with Darin and the kids beside me I took the clippers in my hand and made the first swipe. I remember it was hard to breathe and for a few seconds I thought I may pass out but I didn’t. I steadied myself and as the reality of what was happening inside my body came to the forefront, I finished taking my hair off before the poison could. It’s amazing what a person will do to find control in an uncontrollable situation.

Before

After

With that, I better close up for tonight. My daughter needs to get into the shower (and that always takes encouragement from mom), I need to check in with my son to see how his studies are coming along and my husband has been waiting very patiently to hold my hand while watching TV. Thank God I am alive……

Parting thought: When you feel it’s just too damn hard, dig deep – there’s always strength to find, it just may take some soul searching.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $795.87

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride”, Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!

***Training miles***

Week One:  85 miles – DONE!

Week Two:  90 miles – DONE!

Week Three:  95 miles | 34 biked as of 3/9/2011