They come so easy to him now - my husband's tears. He was never a big one to show painful emotions. Sure, he'd tell you what he felt if you ask, but tears were hard to come by with him. And now, well now he just looks at me and says, "I don't understand, it just feels so different". When he sees someone who is losing their hair he automatically thinks it is due to chemo and the tears well up. When he sees a man helping his frail wife out of a car he automatically thinks it is due to cancer and the tears well up. When we drive by a billboard advertising cancer statistics and a conversation begins, the tears well up. When we see a breast cancer symbol on the back of a vehicle and pass it to see a mom driving and kids in the back seat, the tears well up. A few weekends back we stopped by a garage sale and we quickly noticed that the woman hosting it was going through treatments. He could barely tell her thank you when we made our purchases because his voice wanted to give out and the tears welled up. He refused his change, grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight as we walked back to the car, hesitating to let go when it was time for me to move around to the other side to get in. In our first four years together I could count on one hand how many times he cried and yet in the last year and a half I'd need to enlist four other people's appendages to count. I see his pain so often now. I can see the fear in his eyes each time I head off to the doctor, even if it is for just a cough or cold. He has changed.
I have been feeling the changes in him since the day we were told my cancer had returned. He is fearful of losing me, he is fearful of not being strong enough to take care of me, to protect me and overall he realizes that our time in this world is not to be taken for granted - he is fearful I might die. He can actually feel the loss of me even though I survived and he carries that with him always. We've made our way through this past year as every couple should, together and so much stronger and closer for having had endured what we have. And even though we as a couple have found a much deeper love after all that has happened, there are still struggles to face and hardships to overcome. With cancer, as misunderstood of a disease as it is, it seems the fight is never over. Cancer not only attacks a persons body, it attacks their entire life and the lives of those closest to them. And that is actually why I chose to write about him today. I am mad, I am confused and what better way to work through my feelings than to put it out there. Good, bad, pretty, ugly - this is real life with real emotions and real crap, to be blunt. So here goes....
As I've mentioned in a prior post, because of our location distance from most of our family and friends, what we had to endure was sheltered from the majority of them. He had no one to lean on, no one to hold him up when holding me up was killing him inside. He was strong and silent and vigilent in caring for me. He gave as much time as he could to other causes but I remained number one throughout the last year and a half and I think both of us assumed that everyone would understand and certainly that everyone would expect it to be just that way. We didn't question when the calls to see how things were progressing were few and far between. We didn't judge that there were very few visits, didn't expect sympathy and certainly wouldn't have accepted handouts. We simply existed in our world and did the very best we could. We didn't burden others with weekly updates when it appeared that they weren't wanted, we really tried our best to keep the pain contained to just us. And because there wasn't much envolvement from the outside during our fight, we never dreamed that questions would be raised and doubts would come to light as to his character and why he lived the past year and a half as he did. You see, recently I found out that some people on the outside are seeing the changes in him as a bad thing. I was told that they are putting the "blame" for his "difference" on choices he's made and actions he's done over the last year. And it's so sad, it's so unfair that when it comes right down to it - the choices and actions that they like to say have changed him have absolutely nothing to do with why he is different today than he was a year ago. Because there was so much of a detachment when I was so deathly sick, they have no idea of the turmoil our family was in. And because they don't realize the anguish he faced alone, they find themselves making up reasons why he has changed. If they would take the time to ask him, he would surely tell them - through tears - that he is most definitely a different person than he used to be. He would tell them that me nearly dying should've changed him. He would tell them that feeling absolutely worthless and helpless to save me should've changed him. And he would also tell them that only the loss of his dad years ago comes close to comparing to the heartache that he felt when he thought of living the rest of his life without me. And after he told them all of that, he'd tell them that he is so grateful that he has been changed in the way he has because he isn't afraid to feel anymore. His heart isn't allowing him to hold back anymore. And holy hannah can I feel his love!
And just because I'm SO fired up right now, I'd like to add........
I'm waving my hand high above my head because if any one thing or any one person has changed this man - IT'S ME, IT'S CANCER! Let's face it, had he not stuck by my side through two separate cancer battles he very well may still be the same man he was years ago. He wouldn't have nearly as many gray hairs and worry lines as he does now, that I am sure of. I guess I honestly don't know where he'd be or what choices he'd be making without me but what I do know is that I have never known any one person who is as selfless as him. He is fundamentally himself, both content and truly happy with who he is. His most precious of attributes, the reasons I feel head over heels for him have not changed - he is stead fast. He gives so freely of himself without expecting anything in return. He stands so firmly on his own principals - such an amazingly awe-moving character trait that I so desperately want for myself and our children, a trait that is not learned but truly just is. I am honored to love this man, before cancer, during cancer, after cancer for as long as we both shall live.
***Please remember my mission: The Hartford & Re/Max Results Breast Cancer Ride***
Fundraising Goal: $1500.00
Donations Received: $1005.87
(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride”, Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)
PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!
***Training Update***
It feels absolutely amazing to be riding outside now. The miles are certainly more difficult than the inside miles were but the beauty of our country-side is well worth it. I am very fortunate to have so many lakes to ride by! The Breast Cancer Ride is fast approaching and my anxiety is growing a bit more each day but I'm SO pumped and ready for the event! I'm sure it will be one of the most emotional days of my life - Thank You God!
