The Hardest Part

If you are joining me for the first time, please take a minute to catch up through the archived blog posts.

For Morgan:  My life would have been better had I met you, but through your pictures and drawings I feel you in my presence and am full of love.

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A couple of weeks ago I blogged about the most important thing(s) in my life, my family. It was a much needed break from the reality of what my battle with cancer was. With that said, I think it's important for me to share the most difficult parts of my journey, our journey, with all of you. Knowledge is power, right? Even if it means opening ourselves up to the reality that there is evil in this world, evil we can't necessarily control. But with knowledge of both good and evil, we might just find a way to become stronger, a way to fight harder and the ability to win the battles we all fight, no matter what they are. If writing this blog has taught me anything, it's that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined I could be. My husband is a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined he could be. My children are a hell of a lot stronger than they ever should have had to be.

People often ask me what the hardest part of having cancer was. For quite some time I always answered by saying that it is all hard, every part of it. The chemo, the lab work, the side effects, the trauma it causes the kids, the spouse and on and on. I appreciate that each cancer patients "hardest part" is different than the next. What I do find the same, patient to patient, is that there most definitely is a hardest part, some may just not understand what it is until they reflect back on their journey.

My hardest part:  I lost myself. Not when I was told my cancer had returned, not when I faced the idea of having my breasts removed, not during the chemotherapy, not during the vomiting, not during the uncountable doctor appointments, not during the 100's of lab pokes, not during the times I couldn't feed myself. I lost myself after it was all said and done. After I was told I was in remission, after the Aplastic Anemia had righted itself, after I was given the clear to live my life the way I had before this all began - it was then that I had no idea how to move forward.

I found myself slipping further and further into depression. I knew I had to get up every morning to get the kids ready for school and I knew I had to be up and moving from 11:45 to 12:40 when Darin was home for lunch and I knew that I had to be to the school at 3:00 to pick up the kids but every single minute in between those times I was curled up in a ball on my bed with absolutely nothing in my mind. It got to a point where I had to set alarms for the three daily events I had because without the alarms to shake me out of my cloud, I easily could have just stayed in my nothingness. I could hear my voice saying "get up, get up" and instead of doing what I was telling myself I would just listen to the tone of the words instead of hearing the words. I was a pro at the cover-up. Even the man who knows me better than anyone had no idea I was in such a black place. After all this person was not me, at least not the me before cancer took another year away from me.

And then one day Darin forwarded home an email he had received at work from a customer, a friend of his - a friend of ours. This friend was starting to train for a marathon to raise funds for cancer research in honor of his daughter who lost her fight with cancer at the age of eight. This friend and his family had once been a daily thought in my mind. You see, when their daughter was fighting her battle our family had taken a vested interest in their story, reading their journal entries on the CaringBridge website, keeping in touch with their daughters progress through Darin's business calls with this "customer" friend. We thoroughly enjoyed putting together a basket of goodies for their family so they could enjoy some "fun" time in the privacy of their own home. During this little girls life, from the moment Darin had told me about her, not a day went by that I didn't think of her. And when she passed away, I cried for the loss of a little girl I had never met but who I could feel a itty bitty portion of her pain. And now here I was, consumed by myself,  feeling so sorry for myself, wallowing in my self-pity when this email comes to me.

Joe Kolling, father to Andrew and the late Morgan, husband to wife Angela - saved me. After reading Joe's email regarding his mission, (http://www.runningfortheribbons.blogspot.com/), his training and his fight to end childhood cancer, I found myself thinking again. I wasn't only hearing the tone of my pleas anymore. The following morning after I read Joe's email I laid in bed waiting for the same blankness to overcome me. But instead of sinking further in I actually heard my words ... "GET UP GET UP GET UP". If the Kolling family can endure the loss of a child, the most unfathomable event I could ever venture to imagine, if these three people could get up every morning and go to work, go to school, be a wife and husband and father and mother and son then I could damn well get my sorry ass out of bed and do something with the life that God allowed me to keep. And I did exactly that.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $965.87

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride”, Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!

***Training Miles***

Week One:  85 mile goal – DONE!

Week Two:  90 mile goal – DONE!

Week Three:  95 mile goal -  DONE!
Week Four:  100 mile goal - DONE! 

Week Five:  105 mile goal - 112 miles DONE!

Week Six:  110 mile goal - 130 miles DONE!

Week Seven:  115 mile goal - 138 miles DONE!

Week Eight:  120 mile goal - 68 biked as of 4/27/2011

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A bit off subject (why I was absent last week): 

The emotional strength I gained during my battles with cancer has proven so very valuable in the last week. Our family has been rocked slightly off our foundation and without going into detail, we welcome and appreciate all of the past, present and future prayers for guidance and understanding. Our health is just fine, our relationships couldn't be any stronger or more tightly connected, however there are events that occur outside of the safe haven we call our home that challenge a persons life and this past week we have felt that challenge in our family. We will all survive and will be stronger for having endured the pain of the circumstances we are facing.

Take a moment - this is what helps me to put one foot in front of the other even when I can't see the ground in front of me:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeFVtIzKwT4&feature=share

What I Live For

If you are joining me for the first time, please take a minute to catch up through the archived blog posts.

I wasn't the only person who had to survive my cancer.

First and foremost, I am a mother. I have two incredible children:  Dawson Timothy, my extremely intelligent son who will be a teenager in August and Emilie Grace, my free spirited and fun loving daughter who will be 8 yrs. old in July. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mother and once I held Dawson in my arms, I knew that I was created to be exactly that. After having a difficult childhood, I made myself the promise that I would parent my children with unconditional love and with the protective nature that I had not been given in my youth. I take great pride in the fact that I have succeeded in being the type of mother I set myself out to be. Lord knows there is always room for improvement and there are plenty of days when I learn valuable lessons from these two precious beings I brought into this world. They are my life, my true existence, whether they're smiling at me with adoring love or glaring at me with contempt (life with a pre-teen and a child who thinks they are a pre-teen, right?).

Reason to live #1:  Dawson amazes me with his brilliance and his natural ability to challenge himself to be better when you wouldn't think it possible. School comes so very easily for him, yet he never takes it for granted and always puts all of his effort into his work. Dawson is very mature for his age and to be completely honest, there are times when I see far too much experience in his eyes. This I do blame on cancer and because of these far away looks he still gets to this day, I find that I give into my anger against cancer and all the pain it causes. However, through the pain, this young man has shown he too is a survivor.

Reason to live #2:  Emilie is my breath of fresh air. She is so free in her feelings and you can just feel her warmth flowing from her heart to yours. She's a natural comedian and she made my crappy days turn into beautiful ones with her quirky personality. Although my cancer certainly affected Emilie, because of her age and her "I take life one second at a time" approach, she has rebounded with ease. She is a survivor, even if she can't quite grasp the true meaning of the word. The innocence of children has not been lost on me and I thank God every day for the trait they have for far too short of time.

And finally, to conclude why my life was important enough, special enough for me to battle cancer, to fight like hell ........ I am a wife and I am honored and blessed to give you my final reason to live.

Reason to live #3:  On May 23, 2006, Darin walked into my life by mistake, literally by mistake. I wasn't supposed to be in the place I was at the moment he and I connected. My heart still skips a beat five years later when I vividly remember that chance encounter. We became the best of friends, wanting to know everything there was to know and to feel every experience each other had ever had from the beginning of our lives. We soaked each other in like sponges soaking up water. Our lives kept inner twining with no effort at all. There was a pull that was impossible to ignore, yet so natural and so very precious. After being abandoned or hurt by nearly every man in my life I kept waiting for the panic to set in, waiting for the ambush I always put on my relationships to keep the inevitable pain away but it never came. Darin saved my life before I even knew it needed to be saved. He's held my hair and rubbed my back while my body shook from retching. He's carried me up stairs, down stairs, through hallways and doorways when my legs wouldn't. He's taken a step back when he felt I was overwhelmed and he's held me tight when he knew I just couldn't do one more day of my life. He protected my babies from such terrible sights and he has helped them through the same terrible sights when seeing them couldn't be helped. He's wiped tears away from my eyes as tears streamed down his face when we opened ourselves up to the possibility that I might die. And when the day came that I told him that maybe it would be better if I didn't make it, he refused to hear such selfishness and through the most harsh words he's ever said to me, words that I still hear in my head every morning, he saved my life once again. The air I breathe is full of him, an every second reminder of who I am and why I am here. Darin is truly the definition of a survivor and he inspires me to be the same.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $955.87

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride”, Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!

***Training Miles***

Week One:  85 miles – DONE!

Week Two:  90 miles – DONE!

Week Three:  95 miles -  DONE!
Week Four:  100 miles - DONE! 

Week Five:  105 miles - DONE!

Week Six:  110 mile goal | 49 miles done as of 4/13/2011