What I Live For

If you are joining me for the first time, please take a minute to catch up through the archived blog posts.

I wasn't the only person who had to survive my cancer.

First and foremost, I am a mother. I have two incredible children:  Dawson Timothy, my extremely intelligent son who will be a teenager in August and Emilie Grace, my free spirited and fun loving daughter who will be 8 yrs. old in July. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mother and once I held Dawson in my arms, I knew that I was created to be exactly that. After having a difficult childhood, I made myself the promise that I would parent my children with unconditional love and with the protective nature that I had not been given in my youth. I take great pride in the fact that I have succeeded in being the type of mother I set myself out to be. Lord knows there is always room for improvement and there are plenty of days when I learn valuable lessons from these two precious beings I brought into this world. They are my life, my true existence, whether they're smiling at me with adoring love or glaring at me with contempt (life with a pre-teen and a child who thinks they are a pre-teen, right?).

Reason to live #1:  Dawson amazes me with his brilliance and his natural ability to challenge himself to be better when you wouldn't think it possible. School comes so very easily for him, yet he never takes it for granted and always puts all of his effort into his work. Dawson is very mature for his age and to be completely honest, there are times when I see far too much experience in his eyes. This I do blame on cancer and because of these far away looks he still gets to this day, I find that I give into my anger against cancer and all the pain it causes. However, through the pain, this young man has shown he too is a survivor.

Reason to live #2:  Emilie is my breath of fresh air. She is so free in her feelings and you can just feel her warmth flowing from her heart to yours. She's a natural comedian and she made my crappy days turn into beautiful ones with her quirky personality. Although my cancer certainly affected Emilie, because of her age and her "I take life one second at a time" approach, she has rebounded with ease. She is a survivor, even if she can't quite grasp the true meaning of the word. The innocence of children has not been lost on me and I thank God every day for the trait they have for far too short of time.

And finally, to conclude why my life was important enough, special enough for me to battle cancer, to fight like hell ........ I am a wife and I am honored and blessed to give you my final reason to live.

Reason to live #3:  On May 23, 2006, Darin walked into my life by mistake, literally by mistake. I wasn't supposed to be in the place I was at the moment he and I connected. My heart still skips a beat five years later when I vividly remember that chance encounter. We became the best of friends, wanting to know everything there was to know and to feel every experience each other had ever had from the beginning of our lives. We soaked each other in like sponges soaking up water. Our lives kept inner twining with no effort at all. There was a pull that was impossible to ignore, yet so natural and so very precious. After being abandoned or hurt by nearly every man in my life I kept waiting for the panic to set in, waiting for the ambush I always put on my relationships to keep the inevitable pain away but it never came. Darin saved my life before I even knew it needed to be saved. He's held my hair and rubbed my back while my body shook from retching. He's carried me up stairs, down stairs, through hallways and doorways when my legs wouldn't. He's taken a step back when he felt I was overwhelmed and he's held me tight when he knew I just couldn't do one more day of my life. He protected my babies from such terrible sights and he has helped them through the same terrible sights when seeing them couldn't be helped. He's wiped tears away from my eyes as tears streamed down his face when we opened ourselves up to the possibility that I might die. And when the day came that I told him that maybe it would be better if I didn't make it, he refused to hear such selfishness and through the most harsh words he's ever said to me, words that I still hear in my head every morning, he saved my life once again. The air I breathe is full of him, an every second reminder of who I am and why I am here. Darin is truly the definition of a survivor and he inspires me to be the same.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $955.87

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride”, Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!

***Training Miles***

Week One:  85 miles – DONE!

Week Two:  90 miles – DONE!

Week Three:  95 miles -  DONE!
Week Four:  100 miles - DONE! 

Week Five:  105 miles - DONE!

Week Six:  110 mile goal | 49 miles done as of 4/13/2011