Not Again - Part 1

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by choosing an entry in the archived items at the right of this post. Thank you for visiting!

The moment I felt it my first thought was - Oh God, not again. I was in the shower, washing with my hands versus a loofah because I had forgotten to replace the one I had thrown out. Being too lazy to get out of a running shower, I opted for body wash and my palm. Thank God for chance encounters - and laziness.

I finished my shower in a daze. After pulling myself together, I took Darin into our bedroom and had him tell me that I wasn't imagining things, that there really was something there. With terrified eyes, he confirmed what I had felt.  I just knew what this meant for me, for all of us. After all, my oncologist had warned me that my choice to forgo surgery increased my chances of reoccurrence within five years. I was one month shy of my 3rd year remission anniversary when I found that lump and as irony would have it, I was told my cancer had returned three years to the day of being placed in complete clinical remission. Here we go again................

So the process started again. I met with my oncologist and an oncology surgeon to discuss the option of a double mastectomy. As you read in my blog post "First Time Around", I had opted to go against the norm and refused to have my breast removed during my first cancer fight. At that time, it just made sense to me. The cancer was contained with no lymph node involvement and after doing days and days of research, I made the choice to fight the fight without radical surgery. That proved to be a wise choice when on March 16, 2007 I was in remission. However, on March 16, 2010 that choice was possibly coming back to haunt me.

I can hear you - "Why didn't you just have the breast removed the first time, maybe this wouldn't be happening?" Don't think I didn't hear that question a hundred plus times when I told people the cancer was back. But here's the blunt truth that I still firmly believe today:  unless you have had someone look you in the eye and tell you that they want to remove your breasts, you have NO idea how you would respond. I can still hear you - "Of course I'd remove them, there's always reconstructive surgery." And again I say to you:  unless you have watched the videos of the actual surgery of removal, seen the pictures of a woman with a sunken chest and skin stretched so tight – wrinkled – swollen – red or met a woman who is in deep depression because where once a clear indication of womanhood was is now a hollow shell, you have no idea how you would respond. I don't mean to offend anyone with my bluntness, but having people question me constantly about why I did what I did and why I wasn't doing what they would do was probably one of the hardest parts of having cancer. If I could give you any advice when dealing with a cancer patient it would be to educate yourself. There is so much a person who hasn't been touched personally by cancer doesn't realize. It is one thing to have a loved one with cancer and to watch them through the ups and downs. It's a completely different story when you are the one going through the ups and downs, all the while trying to put your best face forward to spare your loved ones from the real agony that is going on inside your body and mind. Now please don’t take this as I’m down-playing the pain that a husband, child, mother, father, sister, brother or best friend feels when they have to watch cancer consume their loved one. I know all too well and still have nightmares about the hurt I saw in my husband and children’s eyes, day after day, as I faded in and out during treatment. If I sugar-coated any of my experience with cancer, this blog would be pointless. I’m simply trying to be the most open I can be about the feelings that I had during my battles as I know there are thousands of women out there that no longer have their voices.

So as I can tell that this blog post has taken on a life of its own and doesn’t want to slow down (okay, so it’s really my mind that won’t shut off), I will be posting in two parts. My mind tends to run my fingers and often I find myself branching off, but have faith - I will come back to tell you the rest of the story about the return of my cancer. Heck – it may end up in three parts the way I ramble!

To conclude Part 1, I want to share a few key points I figured out far too late in my first journey. It is ok to NOT explain why you are doing what you are doing to those that feel it necessary to question you in a negative way. It is ok to expect your support team to actually support you, with no strings attached. It is ok to be selfish, if being selfish means you will finally take the time to focus on yourself, to muster all your strength and point it inward. It is ok to live in the only way YOU know how to live during YOUR battle.

Part 2 will be posted by Friday – I hope you return.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $300.00

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride” , Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

***Training miles***

Week One:  85 miles – DONE!

Week Two:  90 miles | 38 rode as of 3/2/2011

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!