Not Again - Part 2

If you are joining me for the first time, please take a minute to read my archived blog posts which can be found
by choosing an entry in the archived items at the right of this post. Thank you for visiting!

As I’ve come to realize in the last two days, the story of my fall from remission goes hand in hand with the loss of my breasts, so I’ll pick up where I left off on Wednesday. When I began this blog, I had a list of topics that I wanted to write about and mastectomy was on the top of this list, however I didn’t feel I was prepared to talk about it right from the get-go. I did a great job of deflecting its presence when I wrote about my first go around, but as I started to tell you about my reoccurrence – well I guess I just went with what was in my heart and it was pounding so hard that it couldn’t be ignored. As you’ll soon find out, I have a good reason why the subject of mastectomy haunts me to this day.

I’m just going to put it out there to wave off the suspense:  I did not have a double mastectomy after my cancer returned. I did not have a single mastectomy after my cancer returned. I didn’t even have a lumpectomy after my cancer returned. Oh boy, I can see the heads shaking! Now before the “good Lord, their only boobs” statements begin, let me explain…..

I’d like to try and put into words why my breasts are so important to me. I know there will be some of you that may not understand, even after I try to explain, but I’m putting everything I have into this blog and I can’t back up now. If writing this blog thus far has shown me anything, it’s that the more open and honest I am the more closure I feel. So here goes it…..

From a very young age, I was “shown” that my body was my worth. I was hurt by someone very close to me for far too long. The problem with that pain is that when someone you love inflicts it, as a child the comprehension isn’t there. And when clarity finally does come to you, there is so much damage that is left behind. I found that as I got older, I still felt as if my body was the only part of me that a man would want. I took far too many risks as a teenager, rebelling against the memories all the while using the memories as an excuse for my behavior. I’ve learned over the years, thankfully, that I am worth so much more than what my body can give to a man. But even as I know that, even as Darin does everything to show me he loves me for all that I am, first and foremost on the inside, the idea that to lose my womanhood would be losing my worth has remained front and center throughout my fight. When Darin and I were seriously considering removing both of my breasts, I started having nightmares about my childhood. I shut down. I refused to talk about removal if it meant having to deal, yet again, with the terror.  So for two weeks, I walked around acting as if there wasn’t an enormous elephant in the room. Darin gave me the space I needed (I can’t say enough how lucky I am to have someone who knows exactly what I need) and just when I dug deep enough to find the strength to move forward with planning the surgery, everything changed.

Darin and I spent hours, so many long draining hours discussing what moving forward with the double mastectomy would mean. We were deep in research, watching videos, looking through pictures and the like when I received a call from my oncologist. The scan results and staging were back and as with the first time, my lymph nodes had not been involved. Unlike the first time, there were two tumors – one just under 2cm and the other right at 4cm – which placed me at stage 2b. If there is such a thing as a person who could be lucky with cancer, I am it. I am ER positive, HER2 negative, which means my hormones don’t necessarily dictate that my cancer cells spread and my body responds well to medications that stunt/stop the growth of cancer cells. My oncologist proceeded to tell me that he knew how reluctant I was to losing my breasts, so he set out on his own mission and conferred with an oncology research panel that had been running a study group that focused on breast cancer patients with reoccurrence of contained cells. I’m going to stop there with the details as it still gets over my head sometimes, but what it comes down to is this:  my oncologist felt that due to my previous positive response to chemo, I would be a great candidate for the research panels’ course of treatment. What this meant for me was that I would start an intense chemo regimen, much more aggressive than in my past experience. I would be far sicker than I had been before and for a much longer time. There were implications of other diseases that could manifest due to the long exposure to chemo. Heck, there was a laundry list of nastiness to consider. (Insert warning from TV medication commercial here).

So holy crap – I was being told that I had a good chance of keeping my breasts should I choose to undergo this particular treatment. Now what? I had finally wrapped my head around the idea of having them removed and now here I’m being told that I have a choice. And what if it doesn’t work and I go through months of disabling treatment only to be told they have to come off anyway? And what if I am unfortunate enough to encounter one of the “side” diseases that on their own could kill me? And what if keeping them proves successful only to have the cancer return a third time? And what if keeping them gives the cancer enough time to spread to other areas of my body? What if, what if, what if………….

I think that’s about enough for today. I just so happened to have caught myself some good old fashioned bronchitis and it’s time for this body to rest. So the story of “Not Again” will continue on next week with Part 3. I look forward to sharing more with you.

***Please remember my mission: The Hartford Breast Cancer Ride***

Fundraising Goal:  $1500.00

Donations Received:  $315.87

(Donations can be made online by following the link on this page or by mailing a check made payable to “Breast Cancer Ride” , Charity “CJ” Bartels, P.O. Box 425, Cambridge, MN 55008)

***Training miles***

Week One:  85 miles – DONE!

Week Two:  90 miles | 58 rode as of 3/4/2011

PLEASE remember: even if you can't donate, spread the word and make people aware - cancer is still killing adults and children at an alarming rate. We all CAN make a difference!